BLOG: You already have it

You already have everything you need to create the experience you want at any given moment. When I first understood this at the deepest level, I  cried.

I was in the midst of my first real meltdown in my late twenties. I was in the midst of fear and trembling ALL day, EVERY day. I couldn't sleep for the adrenaline that coursed through my system as I would try to drop into sleep. If I was able to doze, the fear and trembling would begin almost upon waking. 

Ah, but keeping up appearances was crucial in my world, and so I dragged myself, on wobbly legs, to work. I did my work, spoke with colleagues and clients, all while putting on a facade of normality.

The day they did a blood drive, I donated. As I sat there, sick to my stomach, thoughts racing, and body trembling, I remarked internally the disjoint between the experience of my internal freak out and the reality that my blood pressure remained rock bottom. If I was feeling that freaked out, how could my blood pressure be so low?

That should have been my first clue that an internal freak out is not reality, but I wasn't yet taking clues. I had no attention for reality or rationality. By God, I was BUSY with the ever-lasting freak out and the thought that I was finally going completely and irreparably crazy.

And, of course, I couldn't turn to anyone, because, God forbid, anyone know that I was actually losing my mind. There's such stigma around it, you know? Irrational, yes, but that's the essence of anxiety, isn't it?

Needless to say, my experience of the time was BAD. At breakfast with a dear friend and her mother on my birthday, quite fittingly, I did breakdown, because, Good Lord, there's only so much a person can take, even if it's self-inflicted. 

I don't even remember the question they asked. All I remember is that I started crying and couldn't stop. And, at the time, I DID NOT CRY in front of people. We are stiff upper lip people, after all. 

But cry and cry, I did, because I couldn't do anything else. And these women gathered me up, set up appointments with people who could help, and nursed me for a week as I got my s--- back together.

Sometimes that IS what we need. Someone to stand by us, so that we can borrow their love, and perspective, and strength until we can gather it into ourselves. To them, I will forever be grateful that they did this for me...and without my needing to ask.

And so it was, during the appointment with a relaxation specialist, that I had my profound insight. This woman taught me very simply how to relax my body and still my mind. Now we'd call it meditation. In the Midwest, at the time, it was simply called very literally what it is, relaxation. 

And after one session in particular, I found that it was the best I'd ever felt. It was that post-yoga or massage feeling, but I'd created it MYSELF. I didn't need anyone or anything. I simply needed to let go in body and mind for a certain amount of time. And the release was so powerful that I cried.

There is such profound relief in not having to turn outward to help yourself. Not having to go anywhere, or talk to anyone, or schedule this, that, or the other appointment. You can do it all on your own, wherever you are, without anyone from the outside even knowing what you're doing. That is freedom. And it may just be the best feeling there is.