BLOG: Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I almost bought a house this weekend!

This particular house was precisely what I'd been looking for, and as I walked in, I knew it was my house.

I stood in the kitchen taking it all in and then had a moment I hadn't had in a really, really long time - a personal homecoming.

We so often get pulled out of alignment for one staggering (or not so staggering) reason or another in this life. Or maybe it's simply that we have fewer and fewer opportunities to be who we really are. 

But then we happen into a situation that allows us to remember.

In that first moment, we immediately exhale a tension we didn't even know we held.

In the next, there is a surge of excitement as we rediscover an old friend with whom we can effortlessly pick up and ford together through the impossible.

And as I stood in that space, I had one of those moments: Mmmm...Yes.... This is exactly who I am, and the possibilities are endless. 

It was a moment to savor, but it was quick to pass.

And on its heals was a growing resistance.

I can't leave my home.

...

Decisions are rough, or we make them so.

In the moment, there seems to be so much noise, so many strong competing interests, and such a lack of clarity.

I had felt a huge surge of possibility not only with respect to this home, but for my life writ large.

And at the same time, I felt resistance to moving.

I've been doing this decision thing long enough to know, though. The cleanest thing to do would have been to honor that resistance straight away. As always, it's the wise one noting that something needs to be different.

But I didn't.

I fought.

I niggled. 

I tried to Make It Work.

In my mind, I fought and fought and fought a personal battle to regain the sense of self represented by this house.

But as I fought, the resistance in my body would not yield.

You can't move.

Because on the other side of self was the heart of the matter - a community to which I feel strong ties.

The community provides the home that fills me up and brings me peace. We feed each other, and take care of each other, and entertain, and share so much laughter and wisdom and support along this rocky road. The community is precisely the foundation from which we are able to springboard into possibility.

In my younger years, I had a fiercely independent pioneer spirit and truly believed that, whatever happened, I could handle it myself.

And now I know the Truth.

We'll be staying.